More Late Night Humor

Mon, Jun 14 2004 20:30
Bullhockey
Posts 609
"When you think about Ronald Reagan, he really did the impossible. He brought honor to two dishonorable professions — politics and show business." —Jay Leno

"Out of respect to Ronald Reagan, John Kerry suspended his presidential campaign for the week. Unfortunately for Kerry, no one could tell." —Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry suspended his campaign for five days this week in honor of President Reagan. And right now, he's ahead in the polls. How's that make him feel? Disappears for a week and he's up in the polls. What else can he do now but go into hiding." —Jay Leno

"President Bush has Saddam Hussein's firearm at his desk at the White House. But, of course, he's not the first president to hide a piece in the Oval Office." —David Letterman

"According to a new poll, 53 percent of Americans say the war in Iraq was not justified. The other 47 percent say, 'There's a war in Iraq?'" —Jay Leno

"This week in Baghdad, four people were arrested for pretending to be journalists. I'll tell you, this has got all the people over at Fox News nervous." —Jay Leno

"I've been watching the news all day and these ceremonies and services for President Reagan are really quite touching and dignified, don't you think? See I wonder if it will be that way for future presidents? Like years from now can you imagine President Clinton's funeral. Hundreds of women throwing themselves on top of the casket." —Jay Leno

"We really don't have leaders who speak as well as Ronald Reagan anymore. He had a simple direct way of telling you something. Like when he just came out and called the Soviet Union 'the evil empire' you know what he meant. Can you imagine Bush trying to do that? You know he'd screw it up, he'd say something like 'we have to defeat the medieval vampire.'" —Jay Leno

"According to the New York Times, last year White House lawyers concluded that President Bush could legally order interrogators to torture and even kill people in the interest of national security — so if that's legal, what the hell are we charging Saddam Hussein with?" —Jay Leno

"Have you been touched by the outreach of love and affection people have been showing for President Reagan? As I was watching the retrospectives on his life and career I'm thinking probably the most famous thing President Reagan ever said was to Mikhail Gorbachev, when he said 'Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.' I was trying to imagine how the candidates of today would have dealt with the Berlin Wall. Like Ralph Nader would have been concerned about the environmental impact of tearing down the wall. John Kerry would have taken it down a few feet. And President Bush would have said, 'Wall, what wall?'" —Jay Leno

"CIA Director George Tenet resigned last week. Here's the sad part, the FBI just found out today." —Jay Leno

"John Ashcroft testified before Congress that President Bush is against torture. Yes, he's against torture. Except when it comes to the English language." —David Letterman

"Attorney General John Ashcroft told Congress they shouldn't be asking him about the legality of the war until the war is over. And there's precedent for that — I think it's called the Nuremberg Trials." —Jay Leno

"In honor of President Reagan, Senator John Kerry has suspended his campaign for five days. Ralph Nader has also suspended his campaign. Not because of Reagan, he just doesn't have any supporters." —Jay Leno

"I guess the people I feel worst for are Carter and Ford. Because they have to be watching all this thinking, we're not getting that." —Jon Stewart, on media coverage of Ronald Reagan's death

"The head of the CIA, George Tenet, resigned last week. He didn't want to resign, but when you don't have any credible intelligence, you don't really need a director." —Jay Leno

"Prosecutors are having a difficult time building a case against Saddam Hussein. I'll tell you something, the guy is smart. See, when he tortured people, he didn't take snapshots." —David Letterman

"President Bush met with the Pope in Rome. Did you see the picture of the two of them? Man, that poor guy, he has a blank look on his face like he doesn't know where he is. Then, the Pope told him, just be quiet and relax." —David Letterman

"President Bush has returned after remembering D-Day. Or, as it was known in his house, report card day." —Jay Leno

Tue, Jun 15 2004 13:52
KS
Posts 6,089
Retired Moderator
Finally a Jon Stewart quote make the list. Took them long enough.

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